Presenting the 1st annual DUie awards
BY BERT EHRMANN
I’ve been wondering lately about all the categories that the Academy Awards misses. Sure, when the awards ceremonies air we’ll learn who’s been judged the best actor and which artisan has made the best costumes. But what about the “other” categories that go unrecognized each year? Well, no more. The first annual “DUie” (pronounced “Dewie”) awards presented by Dangerous Universe intends to rectify this.
The Most Informative Anti-drug Message Included within the Story Context of a Movie
There was a lot of competition in this category, with many actors to choose from. But the DUie in this category has to go to Eugene Levy’s character of Mitch Cohen in the movie A Mighty Wind. His performance should replace the “Say Nope To Dope” messages written on the boxes of Lemonheads and be required viewing in all P.E. health classes nationwide. Because if people don’t go away from his performance thinking that doing even minor drugs like marijuana is a really bad idea, nothing else will work. Runner up in this category goes to Johnny Depp’s channeling of my abusive alcoholic father in-law in his role of Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Depp was disqualified because the rules for this category clearly state that it must be an anti-drug message. (And after a hefty endowment from the Liquor and Spirits Industry to Dangerous Universe, legally I may not associate alcohol with drugs.)
Best Use of a Tracksuit in a Non Track and Field Movie
Who knew that wearing a yellow tracksuit during karate fight scenes could be so cool? Well, Uma Thurman and Quentin Tarantino must have by including a yellow Bruce Lee inspired tracksuit in the movie Kill Bill - Volume 1. They take home the DUie in this category in what has been described as a “daring” move in “Kung-Fu Fashion.” The movie Kill Bill - Volume 1 has single handedly have removed the black leather and spandex from fight scenes, (thank you The Matrix) and replaced it with bright, form fitting colors. Somehow the gore that follows a slashing sword to a torso is much more interesting in bright and festive colors.
Title of Movie That Has Little to do with the Actual Movie
I wonder who picks the titles to movies because sometimes the title has little to do with the plotline. For example, Bringing Down the House had nothing to do with the movie Wizard of Oz (try telling that to a bawling four year old when it’s Uncle Bert’s turn to pick the movie) and Seabiscuit wasn’t about crackers covered in processed tuna. Still, these movies weren’t strong enough to take the DUie this year. The movie with the title that had little to do with the actual movie goes to Cabin Fever. Although there was a cabin in the movie and there was a nasty fever that a few of the characters caught, I don’t think the title did the movie justice. If I were to re-title the movie I would call it Awful because Cabin Fever was a real stinker.
Freakiest Moment In a Movie
This DUie almost went to the church scene in 28 Days Later. It doesn’t get freakier than when the main character Jim walks into a post apocalyptic church full of dead bodies and finds out that some of those “bodies” aren’t quite dead. Instead, the “super-freaky” moment in a movie goes to the entire The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003 version. During the entire movie I kept feeling that the audience was looking around at one and other thinking, “Man, you bought tickets to this movie too!? Why? Freaky!”
Man Who Looks Like a Woman, but Probably Wasn’t Supposed To
There’s a lot of men in movies these days that look like women, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Take for instance the twins in The Matrix Reloaded, Johnny Depp in The Pirates of the Caribbean, (his second almost win) and both Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson in From Justin to Kelly. Still, these men to women roles somehow weren’t feminine enough. The DUie for the man who looks like a woman but probably wasn’t supposed to goes to Orlando Bloom in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I’d sat through the previous Lord of the Rings movies all the while thinking that Bloom’s character of “Legolas Greenleaf” was actually a woman. It wasn’t until my good friend Nicki leaned over during The Return of the King and said, “Isn’t he hot” that I realized that the “she” Legolas was in fact a “he.” (I can’t tell you how glad I am that I didn’t send all those letters. They would have complicated things.)
Other categories announced, but canceled with no clear winner in sight, include the Movie That Most Resembled Other Movies in the Past, Best Use of the Line “Oh yeah,” and Movie Most Likely To Be Aided by the Use of Alan Alda In A Starring Role. (There’s never been a winner in this category.)
If you have comments on this year’s DUies, or suggestions for next year, send them to The Fort Wayne Reader attention Dangerous Universe.