Battlefield Earth; It blows

by: Aaron Weiss

In my opinion, a good movie is one that keeps you thinking days afterwards, is peppered into conversations with your co-workers and friends, and usually induces a strong emotional reaction. I have seen a sneak preview of BATTLEFIELD EARTH and I have been thinking about it for days. BATTLEFIELD EARTH monopolizes my conversations, and has definitely induced a strong physical and emotional reaction--one akin to the climbing onto a merry-go round at the city park after drinking all day. Clearly I must revise my qualifications for determining a good movie. BATTLEFIELD EARTH sucked and its horrible-ness consumes me. I cannot say enough bad things about this movie.

When my brother presented me with an opportunity to hobnob with the elite "advanced screening" crowd for a sci-fi movie, I jumped at the chance. Though I was not a science fiction gektor in high school, I could certainly appreciate a good man vs. aliens adventure. And based on the opinions of some of my geekier friends, L. Ron Hubbard (yes, that L. Ron Hubbard from the Church of Scientology) wrote a pretty good science fiction novel, or at least they remember being 14 years old and thinking it was pretty good. (Apparently it’s no Captive of Gor, but that’s a whole other issue.) My cynicism kicked into high gear during the opening scene when a group of humans living in the snowy mountains to escape "the gods" were wearing sexy leather tank tops rather than the heavy furs (or Gore-Tex) that rational, but less sexy, mountain folks would wear. The movie's hero, Johnny, is sick of their tough life (and cold, I would imagine) and strikes out to find a better life and challenge the gods that have kept generations in the harsh mountain climate.

Johnny is quickly captured by the Psychlos (creative name, huh?), but proves himself to be the spunky never-say-die kid--always looking for an escape while the rest of the humans accept their lot as slaves. The Psychlos are an alien species that operate much like the Ferengi on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine—it’s all about profit. And profit is tied to leverage. Achieving and applying leverage is the movie’s reoccurring theme. First by the Psychlos on each other and then by the humans against the Psychlos.
John Travolta plays a conniving Security Chief for the Psychlos' Earth colony and Forrest Whitaker is his less-than-able assistant. Travolta has been banished to the conquered planet for some previous transgression and will probably remain there for the rest of his days. Thus, his plot to get off of Earth is hatched. In an attempt to gain and then apply leverage, the Travolta character has the bright idea of training "man-animals" to mine gold and get him back into the good graces of the Psychlos hierarchy. He takes Johnny and educates him virtually (ala THE MATRIX) on the language, history, and technology of the Psychlos race to make him smart enough to mine for gold. Spunky slave is introduced to education and all sorts of chaos ensues. (Note to aspiring dictators: You cannot have it both ways! Either your population has limited knowledge and poor productivity or you can education them at the risk of rebellion.)

I am told that in the book, the Psychlos were horrible beasts that towered over the puny man-animals. To make the Psychlos larger and more menacing, the make-up and costume guys use wholly unoriginal shoulder pads and big boots. These guys are supposed to be giants, so they have Travolta and Forrest Whitaker walking around in KISS-style Doc Martins on steroids. Imagine STOMP in full riot gear.
The movie thoroughly degenerates from there. My brother and I couldn't restrain from making catcalls and giggling throughout the rest of the movie, while the "advance screening" crowd sat in rapt attention. In one scene, the "man-animals" struggle through drifts of snow in Denver and in the very next scene they are in a springtime meadow. In another, they set out for Fort Knox in a Psychlos ship and are inexplicably detoured through Washington DC (most likely to highlight the tragic destruction of our capital). Thousand year old books in exposed libraries are perfectly readable. People who had previously herded cows and couldn't read teach themselves to fly Harriers jets in less than a week. Johnny exhorts the slaves to incite rebellion by scribbling nuclear physics on his cell floor and telling them "dammit, mathematics is the language of the universe and the foundation for Euclidean geometry!" How the hell would he (or the Psychlos for that matter) know who Euclid was?

The Psychlos conquered all of Earth's resistance in a mere 9 minutes. Naturally, shepherds flying 1000 year old Harriers have a better chance this time around and they fly from Texas to Colorado to join the battle. [BS Disclaimer: I am a Marine and I happen to know that Harriers have just about the worst time-on-station capability of any aircraft in the American arsenal--I doubt that Harriers could even make it from Texas to Colorado on a single tank. However, even folks with no military knowledge should question an aircraft that can fly 1,000 miles, fight the Psychlos, lie in hovering ambush (like TRUE LIES), and remain aloft until dawn.]

In the end, the theme of leverage and profit emerge again, this time with our hero Johnny applying the leverage and Travolta surrounded by profit in a sophomoric attempt at irony. Though Travolta and Whitaker hid any acting abilities behind their huge costumes, I was actually rooting for them to win. I was so sick of the movie that I wished they would just crush the group of spirited humans with the heels of their 3-foot tall boots. As my brother and I scrambled to be the first ones out of the theater (hence my lack of actor names and character names), some of the "advanced screening" crowd actually stood and applauded. We couldn't figure out whether they had actually enjoyed the movie, it was an "advanced screening" tradition, or if we were surrounded by Scientologists. Not to walk away from BATTLEFIELD EARTH without learning something, this column is my leverage to prevent the producers of this odious movie from realizing any profit.